Yes, My Therapist Says I Have Issues…

When you see a therapist, you always have homework, either said out loud or not, forever. When I would roll into an appointment, I usually talked about what someone else failed to do. Very few people in my life were doing anything right; if they were, it was because they were doing what I said. Is anyone out there slowly recognizing themselves in what I just said? If not, you might be in denial because I am not the only Miss Menopausal Hyde (MMH) out there.

On a particular bat-shit crazy day, my therapist said we would discuss a river. How appropriate! My hormones were raging like one, and I was MMH at my best. I was confused, though; I was wondering if it was Colorado or Missouri, and wait, this is my copay we are spending. I decided to sit quietly and see what happened next.

In her soft and soothing voice, which she really did have, she begins telling me that Dr. Daniel Siegel was the first to talk about this river, The River of Integration (aka River of Wellbeing), in his book Mindsight: The New Science of Personal Transformation and she would like to share it with me. Great, I don’t have to worry about geography! Not so great; I know we are about to go deep into my murky mind, like the Mississippi.

She drew a picture with two wavy lines on either side of the stick figure representation of me. It wasn’t art and wouldn’t sell for much, but it was priceless to me after she explained it. She explains that Dr. Siegel uses the metaphor of a river, with two banks on each side, rigidity (imposing control, left brain), and chaos (out of control, right brain). In my mind, I see party and booze on one side and Mary Poppins on the other.

Stability is when we are in our boat, slowly moving down the middle observing the banks but staying in the middle. My smart-ass outside voice said I am constantly setting up camp and building tiny houses on the banks of both sides as if I owned them. She gave me that look, you know, that knowing look.

Note: I have since then searched the internet and found a perfect picture to replace the one she drew. Below is me, all prickly and plump, rowing upstream! Thank you, internet and my snip-it tool.

After she was satisfied with sharing her Picasso, she flipped the card over and wrote four phrases that have stuck with me, like Gorilla Glue. She said when I find MMH taking over, I need to immediately start working through these, and it isn’t actually that hard to do.

First, I need to be open and curious about why my circumstances feel out of control. Most of the time, my life feels out of control when I am tired or hungry, but there have been times that the circumstances triggered deep emotions I never resolved. But only I can determine why I am responding to events the way that I am.

That leads to the second one, what do I need? Do I need to remove myself from the circumstances, ask to be heard, or get a Snickers? You must determine what you need. Running around yelling and screaming does nothing but make you look crazy. After a while, it doesn’t work anymore anyway because that is now your MO, and you are ignored.

Next on the list is having no expectations. Sometimes this is appropriate, like when your employer is supposed to pay you. Other times not so much. Mind reading is tough; if someone needs to read your mind to figure out what you want, you do not play fair. Also, when it comes to expectations, these are subjective.

Finally, it is what it is. What can you change? Does a person’s behavior annoy you, but that is just how they are with everyone? Does reading the news get you fired up and send you into a rant? There are things you are in control of and others you just need to choose to walk away.

I’m not done yet, there is more.

Now, if you know me, you know I got the book. Yes, Dr. Siegel’s book because that is how I roll. My therapist, with the soothing voice, who missed her calling creating meditation recordings, was terrific at explaining the river to me, but I really wanted the book.

I also know I am giving the book a disservice with my little thoughts and snippets below because it is one that helped me work through a lot of my mental baggage while I was getting sober and taught me how to get through most anything that happens in my life. I recommend you get the book if anything below resonates with you.

There are four secrets to wellbeing: Resilience, Outlook, Attention, and Generosity.

Resilience. This is when the tornado happens, and instead of going to Oz, you open your eyes and are back home. I now measure my resilience by how quickly I get back home, figuratively. I used to hold grudges like nobody could and could last for years. Now I could not imagine carrying any negative emotion beyond a few moments. I have better ways to spend my time. How to exercise this? Regular mindfulness meditations. Yep, that is what the science reports work, and I can attest it works.

Outlook. The ability to see others and experiences in a basic sense of goodness or positivity. Easier said than done, huh? A simple analogy is one I often experience; my car breaks down. I have named her Stephanie after the Stephanie Plum series. If you haven’t read them, do so. You will laugh out loud and maybe pee your pants! Since I know it can be fixed and still have a car, unlike Stephanie Plum herself, I can be grateful and have a better outlook! A helpful practice is a different kind of meditation called lovingkindness meditation.

Attention. A great quote is, “A wandering mind is an unhappy mind.” So, you ask yourself, “What am I doing?” “Where is my mind focused?” and “Am I happy or unhappy?” If you are focused and thinking of only what you are doing and that is making you happy, then you are positioned in the river. If you aren’t focused on what you are doing because you are future tripping or thinking about the past, you are no longer giving your attention to the present. The ability to effortlessly bring yourself back to the present moment is critical. Practice this every day. Check yourself before you wreck yourself.

Generosity. This is huge for me. I find there is no better way to get out of my waist-high poop than to help someone else. This is taught in all 12-step programs and many spirituality courses. It’s hard to fall out of the boat when you are helping others. Listening to someone else is the most unselfish thing you can do. It can be as simple as when you ask someone how they are doing, and they say O.K. or shrug, instead of bolting away as fast as you can, say, “How are You Really?” and listen to them. We all want to be heard, especially when we are hurting.

Sometimes you can’t change your circumstances but can change how you respond to them. Life is 10% of what happens to you and 90% how you react. I know that is a quote from somewhere, and I once wrote it on a friend’s whiteboard, and the problem with writing something down is I have trouble forgetting it.

So, there it is. A 50-minute session with my therapist that I feared would be a geography lesson instead I learned how to tame MMH and reminded me that I should have more faith in Stephanie.